Monday, December 29, 2008

the hurt in heart

I tend to keep this blog a safe distance from all things internal. It's not that I don't want you to know what I'm thinking......okay, it is. But ever since a casual artistic rendition of my personal life revealed that I have no metaphorical windows and doors open to my heart (stupid Freud!), I've come to realize that baby steps of authenticity just might be a healthy start to the new year.

So here it is. My heart hurts. I keep believing I have successfully numbed myself to the dreams and hopes of my heart, and then--out of the blue--I'm stung. The novocaine has worn off and I'm pierced.

Tonight was an ordinary night. But this time, all it took was the intro music to the John Adams mini-series dvd (amazing, by the way!) to dredge up every hope and dream I have. Dreams for Harvard, Princeton, or Yale. Desires to be a wife like Abigail was to John. And the hope to one day understand why my passion for history and education runs so deep.

And then there's the God card.

I've come to terms with the fact that even the most noble of desires may never get met. Truth be told, they probably won't. I'm even satisfied with the results of my intellectual wrestling match with the Lord--He gives us these desires. He makes them remain unmet longings for our entire life, yet He is not evil or vindictive in so doing.

And yet, I simply do not know my role in the matter. I've tried pursuing the dreams, but the sovereignty of God has kept them from fulfillment. And I've tried the route of avoidance--a perfect mixture of zero hope plus zero expectation--and wouldn't you know, the needle of pain still pricked.

And so this is me picking up the pieces and trying a new tactic. A tactic of trusting you with my story. I'll be honest--this hurts too. But God never promised a lack of pain. And so I trust and hope again.

9 comments:

Brent and Darcy said...

Hmmm. That's good thinking. I know your pain--I'm also plagued by a)deep longing, coupled with b)a sense of guilt that I'm not doing more about it. I think heaven will be great because I won't have to wish so much...

Amber Rose said...

It is refreshing to know we can trust God but also each other with our stories. I will stand with you in waiting to see the desires of our heart met. I will hope and hold to faith, alongside you, because you are my sister and I love you. You are such a precious jewel, Karin. I'm grateful for you! Thank you for being real.

Jill said...

Beautiful, Karin. I loved seeing into your heart. As for the deep longings...oh, I understand. In fact, I just had a cry fest this morning. You are in a good spot, my friend. Continue to pour out your heart and desires before God. Knowing that ultimately He alone is what satisfies. I find it such a strange combination of longing and yet realizing He is the ultimate fulfillment.

Anna said...

This is beautiful, Karin. Thanks for writing it. I resonate with your feelings in so many ways and am no closer to any answers.

Anonymous said...

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

fromheretothere said...

seriously can we hang out sometime when i move back?

Cindy Lynn said...

I know how much it took for you to write about something you would rather keep buried in the deep recesses of your heart. I promise you that this glimpse into your heart will always be safe and cherished by those who love you dearly :)

Lindsey said...

wow. thanks, karin. i agree with cindy, the people who know you and care about you only want good things for you and will welcome the truths you can share into a safe place. here's to 2009! and here's to the dreams you're holding close.

mchynoweth said...

karin, i so appreciate your honesty. i understand how frustrating some of those longings are. i remember a point about a year ago where i almost felt i couldn't go out in public because every time i did it reminded me that someone else was being blessed with what i had been waiting and praying for. oh it hurt! i will be praying for you as you wait for God's timing on these things. in the mean time, let me know if there's anything i can do!