Sunday, February 3, 2008

introspective

It's late. I'm not funny. My best friend is thousands of miles away which leaves me to process the meaning of life with a computer. We are about to enter dangerous territory.

I want to arrive.

One of my hardest experiences in seminary was that I exposed to so much wisdom and insight, but I didn't have a box to put any of it
in. I hadn't experienced life or ministry in such a way that I could relate. But I continued on, in the hope that one day I too would have a calling.

Nearly three years later, I'm still waiting. Compared to the 40 years the people of God wandered in the wilderness, my journey is nothing. But I'm so tired of the repetition. I just want to arrive. I want to get there.

The worse part is that I don't even know what there is. I have a hunch (or maybe it's just a hope). My hunch is that living out your calling is living in the sweet spot--in that place where what you do is simultaneously the most challenging and easiest thing you've ever done--the perfect mix of blood, sweat, and tears--because you are doing what you were made for.

I want to do the things I was made to do. I want to feel alive. I want to act. I want to write. I want to teach. I want to think deeply and challenge the status quo. I want to face life with someone. I just want to get there. I want to arrive.

But at the end of the day, my theology has to trump my experience.
My experience tells me my calling is elusive; my theology tells me my calling is to glorify God. To be his image. To know him.

My experience tells me I'm not there yet; my theology tells me if I've arrived, I'm dead.

My experience tells me I've been forgotten; my theology tells me I'm the apple of God's eye.
I've always said I don't know what I think until I write. I guess John Bunyan had it right all along. This pilgrim is still on the journey.

7 comments:

drh said...

I feel like that, except I’m on the other side of the world.

running shoes said...

Great post K!

Patricia said...

Very insightful. I too want to arrive. I don't know if we'll ever arrive until we're with God in heaven, like you said.

We should pursue acting together, like doing community theater or something like that!

karin said...

Hey David, that's encouraging and discouraging all at the same time! 'Cause I would have thought of you as someone who had "arrived"....Interesting.

Ah Jen, thanks. I miss you.

Patricia - I would SO do community theatre in a heartbeat. I just don't know where to start! Also, I'm scared to death.

Andrea said...

Hey! I'm in the middle of reading a chapter (yep, I'm reading!) that reminded me of you - especially after this post. The chapter is titled "No One Else Can Take Your Turn" (in, yes, John Ortberg's book When The Game is Over, It All Goes Back in the Box). - how do you italicize in a comment?

Anyways, love you!

Amanda Lomonaco said...

Karin, you are awesome. I think that Andrea should go away more often so that we can experience your deeper side.

When you figure it out, let me know. Because I am not there yet either.

P.S. Love the sailing picture of you and the insight there, too. You should write for WWC;-).

Patricia said...

Karin, I'm scared too but I'm going to look into it and WE ARE gonna do it!!! :) fun!