Saturday, July 11, 2009

on grief and love

I went to a funeral today. I used to think death was easier if it was expected (with a 1.5 yr battle with cancer, we knew this day was coming). But it's not easier. I suppose it's because we were never meant to die.

I went to a friend's party right after. We had a do-over birthday because last year was the big 3-0 and it was lame. But in God's extravagant love, on this year's birthday, she got engaged.

Naturally, this dichotomy couldn't escape me. On the one hand, a life cut short. On the other, a dream-come-true do-over. But we all know that real life doesn't give do-overs. She didn't actually turn 30 again. Real life gives one shot. And that road to blessing is often wrought with thorns.

You know how at weddings most people look at the bride walking down the aisle? Well i'm the girl who looks at the groom. And in this funeral, I didn't look at the guy in the casket at the end of the aisle. But I looked at his wife. She didn't wear black. In fact, she wore a beautiful turquoise dress. And I don't know this for certain, but my hunch is that this was his favorite dress on her.

You see, this guy who died, he lived like a champ. And he loved his wife. Not in the newspaper obituary "he is survived by his wife, whom he loved" kind of way, but in the you can see it in his eyes on every slideshow picture, kind of way. And she loved him too. Through every inch of those covenant vows. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live.

So through the funeral and the party and the swing dancing tonight, that's what i've been thinking about. I want to love and be loved just like that. That's my far-fetched wish. Don't get me wrong--I also thought about Christ and how all of this is only possible through Him--but that's another post of its own. For now, this is my raw, unfiltered emotion. I should be grieving a friend. Instead, I find myself hoping for a future. Not hopeful, mind you. Just hoping. It's a jaded hope, but hope nonetheless.

Grief and hope. Mourning and dancing. Love lost and love found. These were the themes of my day. (Which means if you asked me how I was doing and I said "fine", I lied).


PaulF said...

I always have my deepest feelings of satisfaction when things come close to the way they were meant to be. This love you're describing sounds like one of those things.
I hope very much that you find it.

drh said...

I liked this raw and unfiltered. Thanks for sharing.

Unknown said...

Thanks Paul and David. I appreciate you!

Lindsey said...

i love raw, unfiltered karin. i would buy your book. or send you to europe. but since i can't do either, i prayed just now, right here for our incredible, relational, and loving God to give you the desire of your heart. i'm believing he will come even if you're too jaded right now to do that for yourself. :-)

Jerry said...

well said.