I finished grad school in 2005. It is now the beginning of 2010 and the ache has not gone away. I'd give my right arm to be back in school. It's the last time I've felt alive.
January and August are the hardest months for me because they represent the start of a new semester. I spend hours at night researching grad schools, analyzing every last admission requirement. Eventually I close my laptop, resigned in disappointment.
So why can't I go? What's keeping me? Nothing. Nothing and Everything.
You see, I don't care about fancy cars and diamond rings. I shop at Goodwill. I love cutting coupons. I'm as thrifty as they come. But when it comes to education, I want the Jaguar. I want to make it into Harvard so people will be impressed by me. I want to silence people with my intellect. I want letters behind my name! I may never be a "mrs." but I can work hard and achieve Ph.D behind my name, by golly.
It's ridiculous and humiliating to know that is inside of me, but it is.
So why can't I go? Because I believe achievement is the key to satisfaction. Of course, I don't believe this intellectually. But in my heart? It's the loudest voice. And so I find great comfort in the words of St. Augustine, "our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You."